by Mort Harris
Famous brands of clothing like Dockers, Izod, and Guess grab out attention by their unique and sometimes oblique titles. An attention grabbing label, Nothing, recently introduced to the public caused some confusion.
One: I heard you got a good job?
Two: Yes, I’m happy.
One: Where do you work?
One: Okay, don’t tell me. Who do you work for?
Two: I work for Nothing.
One: Don’t we all? What product do you carry?
Two: We have a full line of Nothing.
One: Nothing? Then what do you do there?
Two: I’m a salesman.
One: What do you sell?
One: I’m sure your sales will pick up once you get into the groove.
Two: Oh, we are very busy now!
One: With what?
Two: Lots of Nothing.
One: Why would people shop at your store if you have nothing to buy?
Two: It’s all the rage now; women would pay anything to wear Nothing.
One: Why would they want to spend money on nothing?
Two: They don’t care about the cost.
One: Do you have any stock?
Two: We have a huge stock!
One: It doesn’t seem like you have much to sell.
Two: “We got plenty of Nothing.” We sort of stole that slogan.
One: Do you have a Manager?
Two: Of course.
One: Does he realize he has nothing in stock?
Two: Sure, he does all the ordering.
One: You get deliveries?
Two: Yes, everyday.
One: How do they come?
Two: In cartons.
One: What’s in those cartons?
One: That’s what I thought. Who is your Manager.
One: He doesn’t want anyone to know his name?
Two: Of course he does.
One: If I came to the store and asked for the Manager, who would I ask for?
One: What, is his name a secret?
Two: That’s his name, Cantell!
One: That’s the Manager’s name? Really?
Two: No, it isn’t.
Two: No, Really is the Assistant Manager.
One: Your Manager doesn’t sound very smart.
Two: You’re wrong; in fact, he came up with a great slogan. “Promise her anything but give her Nothing.”
One: Does your store have racks?
One: Does it have shelves?
Two: Of course.
One: What have you got on them and don’t tell me nothing.
Two: They are full, wall to wall of Nothing.
One: If I came into our store…….
One: I’d pick something off the shelf………
One: I’d bring it to the cashier…………
One: She’d ring it up on the register………..
One: She’d put it in a bag………….
Two: That’s right.
One: I’d look in the bag, what do I see? Nothing? What did I pay for?
Two: You got Nothing for your money.
One: If I bought anything in your store, I would leave with nothing?
One: I would be very upset.
Two: We have a three day return policy. Just save your receipt.
One: Why would I have a receipt? I walked out with nothing.
Two: That’s shoplifting. We’d both be in trouble.
One: That’s ridiculous.
Two: Come down to Nowhere and get a gift for your wife. She would look great wearing Nothing.
One: How would you know?
Two: When we go out to dinner, my wife wears Nothing. You should see all the attention she gets.
One: I could believe that!
Two: Every year, for her birthday, I bring her more Nothing. She’s always thrilled.
One: I bring my wife nothing for her birthday and she gets mad.
Two: My dream is to see every woman in American wearing Nothing.
One: My dream too! Sound like a good job.
Two: It is.
One: Do you think I could get a job there?
Two: Do you know anything about Nothing?
One: I’ve been familiar with nothing for years.
Two: Do you think you could sell Nothing?
One: I’ve been selling myself on nothing all my life.
Two: We are always looking for good salesmen; you might be good for Nothing.
One: That’s what my wife has always been telling me.
Two: Well, to apply you must go to Nowhere.
One: I have to go to nowhere?
Two: That will leave you No Place.
One: So, I go to nowhere to get no place.
One: Who do I see there?
Two: Ask for No One.
One: Who’s that?
Two: That’s Nobody.
One: Let’s see now, if I got this straight. I go no where, to be no place, to talk to no one, who is nobody, to sell nothing. Right?
Two: That’s correct.
One: I am totally confused.
Two: About what?
One: About everything.
Two: Everything? Great idea for a new product line. I’ll suggest it to Really and Cantil tomorrow when I get to Nowhere.
Mort Harris is a comedy writer for Marty Allen.